desperate, clueless, he raked his brain for ideas. he screwed up, messed up bad. everything goes in different direction. unintended directions. life's turning faster than a merry-go-round, and he's just playing catch-up. barely making it, and gradually losing it.
when was the last time thing's were normal? a year? months? weeks ago? certainly not weeks, nor months, more than just a year. it seems like nothing's normal these days. incidents happen too fast, out of control. wildfire spreading on a dried-up hill in summer. all it needed is a spark to set thing's ablaze.
he screwed up, only to realize the severity of the aftermath when it took someone with it.
why did he started it anyway? to think of it now, he felt like kicking himself in the butt for being such an idiot. now that the damage was made, the only solution is to contain the fire, deprive it of fuel, and wait for the fire storm to die out. he chuckled to himself, if its that easy, he wouldn't be brainstorming himself to find out that its just a matter of throwing a few switches. but that's apparently not how things work in this ever complicating world.
taking a deep breath, precious oxygen fills his lungs, enters his blood and gets pumped to various parts of his body, expecially his resource-desperate brain. the solution was simple enough:
A: he could walk up to her and explain everything
B: he could explain by texting
C: pass a note?
he quickly ruled out the 1st option. knewing that he wouldn't have got the guts to take a step closer to her without emotional meltdown. as a matter of fact, he tried it a couple times before, all failed even before he was in 10 meter radius of her. strike 1.
next. texting. the most promising but also the most risky method. he knew there's a hidden limit to this. if he push too far, things would turn very very ugly in the matter of seconds. strike 2.
notes, he smiled. classic. but he knew she wouldn't even bother reading it. strike 3 and he's out of ideas.
sometimes he admired those who had the confident to affect people. he used to think those kind of people act with the motto 'shoot now, then count the bodies'. the thought of not going through every single step in life is suicide. one step into the drain and its all over. same thing happened here.
he grunted in frustration, cursing himself for being such a moron. a pathetic pea-brain who can't even do something right. his life's been a big screw up, he never did anything perfectly right. except for those once in a while momments which he gratefully appreciates.
and when he eventually did something right, the feeling of joy and triump quickly fades. he recently knew that nothing's worth cherishing of there's no one to share with. thus the lone wolf has turned into a lonely wolf.
many times he tried to shove away the fact. to show the world that nothing's changed. but as time progressed, he knew he was losing it. if to save someone from being hurt is to hurt both, is it worth it?
the answer to this question is a loop of never ending oblivion.
