i just saw something. its not my dad nor UFOs nor ghosts. those wont make me the me i am now. defeated, tired of life and torn away from the crowd.
i was perfectly happy a minute ago. till i saw it. all my false hope shattered. a fragile glass smashed into millions of tiny unrecoverable pieces. lost, all is lost.
im not gonna post the draft i wrote last night. the draft i wrote because of the despair inside me.
fighting for something i've believe in, what drives me forward, something tat i would take a bullet for, the feeling tat its all worth it, its heaven. a helping hand when i fell in the rain, a rope when i fall into a canyon, the sight of an aircraft when deserted on an island, lost, everything.
im now an oblivion, deprived of what makes the basics of survival. survival, its wat i've been trying to do. isnt it? to survive, one must have a goal, a summit to aim at, a beach to head to. i, have none. wats the excuse for me to b living?
even i could not answer tat. family? friend? or my dog who prefer his ball instead of me now?
i am sick and tired of this miserable life. call me watever u want, im not gonna care. dont know, dont care!
i've lost my beacon in the dark, the lighthouse in the storm, yet there's a rogue wave heading my way. life's been nice before all of this, i thank all of u from the bottom of my heart... without wax
...
its already twilight, but he got out to get some fresh air, with the failing hope of watching the sun melt into the horizon.
randomly he hit a button on his cell phone n the screen lighted up, its just a minute past 7.30pm. wondering y the sun sets and rises earlier lately, he ignored the rumble from his stomach. he juz denied dinner.
his favorite high backed chair sits at the corner of his yard. from the comfort of this bamboo made chair, the sky was painted in dark black. stars shines and glitters, filling the dark skyline with passion. the moon looks bigger than usual. reflecting light from the sun, it was the only source of illumination in the deep, dark space above.
a gust of cool breeze blew from the east. on the road fallen leaves rolls and rustles by. a flash of lightning bolt shot through the sky far far away. followed by a rather gentle roar from the gods above.
with the slight shine from the moon, he notice a swarm of clouds rolling and marching by. as if destiny awaits them. they shovelled and bumped into each other, trying to get out front. at the edge of his sight, the faint red glow of a aircraft slowly crawls in predictable line.
pressing yet another button on his cell phone, the familiar screen come back to life. showing the same time, 2131 hours. perhaps there was something he was waiting for, a phone call from a stranger, a text message from a friend, or plainly juz the annoying alarm. neverthless, his presence out here has to do with someone at the other side of the world.
his fingers began to move and pressing buttons, as if they have a soul of their own, flying over the keypad. they opened a music folder and the phone began singing soft music.
soft bass filled the air with a sad and depressing mood. making him dread for company. he began to replay wat he did today in his brain. picturing his friend's response to his every action. and then the picture lingered on the face of a person.
he shook his head violently trying to wash away the vision. cursing under his breath and blaming the cool night air for messing with his brain. but the storm inside his head never settled. instead, it made him miss her even more.
gazing out into the seemingly empty sky, he began to wonder wat it takes to lead a much peaceful, quiet, tranquil life. his current life was a rat race of never ending and depressing pace. how he longed to live a simple life. he recalled a line from a poem he used to like.
'I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree...'
he chucked at the word Innisfree. idiot, if such place ever existed, there wont b so much suffering in this petty world.
distances away, a cricket began to produce a crisp sound. crickets from all around began to join the symphony of nature. he barely noticed his cell phone has stopped playing, instead he become imersed in the concert of insects. the sound slows his heart beat, his breathing deepens, his mind cleared from the stress of the day.
he opens his eyes, looking straight up. he tries to join the stars above with lines to form new horoscopes which never existed. the shape of various objects appear in his childish imagination.
again his stomach rumbled in protest. he moved his hands from the armrest felt something hairy. he looked down and found his dog sound asleep on his lap. scratching gently on its neck, its eyes opened and let out a low yawn. readjusting its position, it fell asleep again.
his mind again begins to wander. pictures of everyone he cares about flashes in front of him. from his family to his friends. but, the image of her face again grabs his attention. he let the image stay.
ouch! he pinched himself in the arm, telling himself not to think bout her. shock treatments like this always worked, but sometimes it just wont go away. he cursed himself for letting himself go too far, for letting this to happen. his enraged mind is filled with curses directed to himself.
his cell phone suddenly rang. he cursed himself one last time and fished for his cell phone.
it was a text message...
randomly he hit a button on his cell phone n the screen lighted up, its just a minute past 7.30pm. wondering y the sun sets and rises earlier lately, he ignored the rumble from his stomach. he juz denied dinner.
his favorite high backed chair sits at the corner of his yard. from the comfort of this bamboo made chair, the sky was painted in dark black. stars shines and glitters, filling the dark skyline with passion. the moon looks bigger than usual. reflecting light from the sun, it was the only source of illumination in the deep, dark space above.
a gust of cool breeze blew from the east. on the road fallen leaves rolls and rustles by. a flash of lightning bolt shot through the sky far far away. followed by a rather gentle roar from the gods above.
with the slight shine from the moon, he notice a swarm of clouds rolling and marching by. as if destiny awaits them. they shovelled and bumped into each other, trying to get out front. at the edge of his sight, the faint red glow of a aircraft slowly crawls in predictable line.
pressing yet another button on his cell phone, the familiar screen come back to life. showing the same time, 2131 hours. perhaps there was something he was waiting for, a phone call from a stranger, a text message from a friend, or plainly juz the annoying alarm. neverthless, his presence out here has to do with someone at the other side of the world.
his fingers began to move and pressing buttons, as if they have a soul of their own, flying over the keypad. they opened a music folder and the phone began singing soft music.
soft bass filled the air with a sad and depressing mood. making him dread for company. he began to replay wat he did today in his brain. picturing his friend's response to his every action. and then the picture lingered on the face of a person.
he shook his head violently trying to wash away the vision. cursing under his breath and blaming the cool night air for messing with his brain. but the storm inside his head never settled. instead, it made him miss her even more.
gazing out into the seemingly empty sky, he began to wonder wat it takes to lead a much peaceful, quiet, tranquil life. his current life was a rat race of never ending and depressing pace. how he longed to live a simple life. he recalled a line from a poem he used to like.
'I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree...'
he chucked at the word Innisfree. idiot, if such place ever existed, there wont b so much suffering in this petty world.
distances away, a cricket began to produce a crisp sound. crickets from all around began to join the symphony of nature. he barely noticed his cell phone has stopped playing, instead he become imersed in the concert of insects. the sound slows his heart beat, his breathing deepens, his mind cleared from the stress of the day.
he opens his eyes, looking straight up. he tries to join the stars above with lines to form new horoscopes which never existed. the shape of various objects appear in his childish imagination.
again his stomach rumbled in protest. he moved his hands from the armrest felt something hairy. he looked down and found his dog sound asleep on his lap. scratching gently on its neck, its eyes opened and let out a low yawn. readjusting its position, it fell asleep again.
his mind again begins to wander. pictures of everyone he cares about flashes in front of him. from his family to his friends. but, the image of her face again grabs his attention. he let the image stay.
ouch! he pinched himself in the arm, telling himself not to think bout her. shock treatments like this always worked, but sometimes it just wont go away. he cursed himself for letting himself go too far, for letting this to happen. his enraged mind is filled with curses directed to himself.
his cell phone suddenly rang. he cursed himself one last time and fished for his cell phone.
it was a text message...
people...
ok, i AM sorry i forgot ur bday, huiyi. sorry. i knew last year bsc u're still using live spaces, n through there i get ur bday. since u're not using it anymore, i didnt notice. n stop it with the sad look n ignorance, its juz not u.
so what if u got the lowest in add maths, there's always next time(ok, mayb except spm). u juz hv to do better next time n everything's going to b back to normal.
next, lini. mayb im too blind to notice whats wrong with u but do speak up when u do have problems. chung aun's probably right, there's something not right bout u, n i juz cant stop hating myself for telling bout my dad tat day.
i juz dont like ppl around me being in trouble.
n kim, i wont dirty ur book. wat do i look like? a guy from the garbage can? tarzan?
last but not least, the poor f2 who happen to b there for duty 2day. i seriously dont know if u can process everything i've taught, but at least try to b interested in this. u're gonna need wat i've taught in the future, all money on it.
argh... this socializing thing is... juz not my thing. trying, no guarantees.
hmm... do my background look depressing?
so what if u got the lowest in add maths, there's always next time(ok, mayb except spm). u juz hv to do better next time n everything's going to b back to normal.
next, lini. mayb im too blind to notice whats wrong with u but do speak up when u do have problems. chung aun's probably right, there's something not right bout u, n i juz cant stop hating myself for telling bout my dad tat day.
i juz dont like ppl around me being in trouble.
n kim, i wont dirty ur book. wat do i look like? a guy from the garbage can? tarzan?
last but not least, the poor f2 who happen to b there for duty 2day. i seriously dont know if u can process everything i've taught, but at least try to b interested in this. u're gonna need wat i've taught in the future, all money on it.
argh... this socializing thing is... juz not my thing. trying, no guarantees.
hmm... do my background look depressing?
screw it!
some idiot juz used my screename on lini's blogspot! no! i swear tat wasnt me. i didnt even touch my computer. i've gone to school in the morning, ayer itam for SOP lessons in the afternoon n evening, n tuition at night. tat left me too exhausted tat i slept the 1st thing i got home. man i didnt even got o tuition this morning bsc im too tired to wake up!
this is stupid. im not even worthy r love. y should i b crushing on some1? besides, i know lini AFTER f1.
jeez.... this is juz stupid.
so, everyone pls be careful when it comes to screenames...
this is stupid. im not even worthy r love. y should i b crushing on some1? besides, i know lini AFTER f1.
jeez.... this is juz stupid.
so, everyone pls be careful when it comes to screenames...
Anniversary
its the 49th anniversary of the best society the school has to offer. n its smoking hot. fresh from the gun barel.
the preparation was long enough. took us a whole day to prep half the stuff yesterday. hanging stuff, spotlights, speakers, plan out everything. n today, it all went well... -snifs-
there was a convention there. we all(junlin, yinjou, yifeng n me) brought all our DIYs to show off. yifeng obviously has more to show. n me, a few stuff i made. nothing big, juz my coil gun, PWM controller n my power supply. the power supply is broken, thx to some idiot ex.
it was great. to finally feel like a teenager. laugh, play, dance without worries. i even sang there, well... junlin forgot to get the karaeoke version of the song but who cares? its the 1st itme i sang in front of so many ppl.
坏人-Elliot Yau
yea, i sang this song. my computer currently is not youtube capable. its really nice. ok, mayb i sang bsc nanfeng n junlin wants a substitute. its complicated. hung phung says nanfeng's voice isnt suitable for singing, then i got dragged into duet with junlin singing this song. n hung phung wants to duet with junan. at the last momment, hung phung n junan quit, n told us(me n junlin) to sing yet another song(心跳-王力宏). so we had to sing 2 song juz bsc of some irresponsible i-want-to-b-the-president. so, i sang 坏人 but when its time to sing 心跳 i was away. junlin have to solo. n it turns out he didnt even know the lyrics.... so...haiz.
neverthless, it was great. n u, lini, told me u would come. i dont expect u to walk to school, but to keep ur word. ok, mayb i dont want u to c me singing...
blargh! life's juz complicated...
你是好人，也是个坏人，
对我坦诚， 只为了朝他狂奔,
不能放任， 所以放了，
这点痛我还能忍。。。
我是好人，也是个坏人，
分得够狠， 你才有借口转身，
宁愿爱一点不剩，
也不忍， 看恋人爱成路人。。。
the preparation was long enough. took us a whole day to prep half the stuff yesterday. hanging stuff, spotlights, speakers, plan out everything. n today, it all went well... -snifs-
there was a convention there. we all(junlin, yinjou, yifeng n me) brought all our DIYs to show off. yifeng obviously has more to show. n me, a few stuff i made. nothing big, juz my coil gun, PWM controller n my power supply. the power supply is broken, thx to some idiot ex.
it was great. to finally feel like a teenager. laugh, play, dance without worries. i even sang there, well... junlin forgot to get the karaeoke version of the song but who cares? its the 1st itme i sang in front of so many ppl.
坏人-Elliot Yau
yea, i sang this song. my computer currently is not youtube capable. its really nice. ok, mayb i sang bsc nanfeng n junlin wants a substitute. its complicated. hung phung says nanfeng's voice isnt suitable for singing, then i got dragged into duet with junlin singing this song. n hung phung wants to duet with junan. at the last momment, hung phung n junan quit, n told us(me n junlin) to sing yet another song(心跳-王力宏). so we had to sing 2 song juz bsc of some irresponsible i-want-to-b-the-president. so, i sang 坏人 but when its time to sing 心跳 i was away. junlin have to solo. n it turns out he didnt even know the lyrics.... so...haiz.
neverthless, it was great. n u, lini, told me u would come. i dont expect u to walk to school, but to keep ur word. ok, mayb i dont want u to c me singing...
blargh! life's juz complicated...
你是好人，也是个坏人，
对我坦诚， 只为了朝他狂奔,
不能放任， 所以放了，
这点痛我还能忍。。。
我是好人，也是个坏人，
分得够狠， 你才有借口转身，
宁愿爱一点不剩，
也不忍， 看恋人爱成路人。。。
Leadership Camp
seriously, it looks nothing like a camp associated with leadership. should call it come 4 fun camp.
it wasnt as unpleasant as the previous leadership camps. at least this time it was organised by more happy go lucky group of comitees. n they call themselves pirates.... i know its ridiculous cuz i think so too.
the only effect from the calling 'pirates' is tat its harder to memmorise the rules since in this kinda of serious event u dont usually(more like never) called anyone with the title pirate master or the-guy-who-rows-the-boat or even duellers. besides, its already a fact tat i suck in memmorising, which make things even harder.
n marching is stupid, everyone knows tat.... juz tat kelvin had to defend it bsc our ex is standing there.
last time, they made us hold (wats tat called again? the vege tat looks like butt n only taste good after u fry them) n now..... eggs. its definetely tougher than tat thing. but well.... 'accidents' do happen. lini survived till the end -jealous-.
games? both creative n a bit nonsense. blindfold basketball, walking on paper plates(we won!), treasure hunt, finding yinjou(we cheated a bit.. haha) n answering other's personal datas in the girl's toilet(got sprayed even though we got it right... bah!).
neverthless.... we're the champion.
ten things i got from Leadership Camp:
-shoot ppl(verbally) before they ever get a chance to retaliate
-always use lines which r humourous
-dont b quiet, break the ice in silent situations
-talk nonsense as an example when explaining
-dont ignore anyone even though we were personally enemies
-follow the leader, even though he/she is obviously wrong
-speak clearly instead of blurbing out in chunks(hard to do with my oral conditions)
-control my temper
-nvr bet against lini, she's always right
-n giv lini ur hands instead of ur sleeve or she'll pull u from ur seat n make u fall.
conclusion? im not the perfect leader. no worry, working on it. n u guys may in the future hear my name mentioned as chief of duty dept.
88 n 73 to yall, over n out.
it wasnt as unpleasant as the previous leadership camps. at least this time it was organised by more happy go lucky group of comitees. n they call themselves pirates.... i know its ridiculous cuz i think so too.
the only effect from the calling 'pirates' is tat its harder to memmorise the rules since in this kinda of serious event u dont usually(more like never) called anyone with the title pirate master or the-guy-who-rows-the-boat or even duellers. besides, its already a fact tat i suck in memmorising, which make things even harder.
n marching is stupid, everyone knows tat.... juz tat kelvin had to defend it bsc our ex is standing there.
last time, they made us hold (wats tat called again? the vege tat looks like butt n only taste good after u fry them) n now..... eggs. its definetely tougher than tat thing. but well.... 'accidents' do happen. lini survived till the end -jealous-.
games? both creative n a bit nonsense. blindfold basketball, walking on paper plates(we won!), treasure hunt, finding yinjou(we cheated a bit.. haha) n answering other's personal datas in the girl's toilet(got sprayed even though we got it right... bah!).
neverthless.... we're the champion.
ten things i got from Leadership Camp:
-shoot ppl(verbally) before they ever get a chance to retaliate
-always use lines which r humourous
-dont b quiet, break the ice in silent situations
-talk nonsense as an example when explaining
-dont ignore anyone even though we were personally enemies
-follow the leader, even though he/she is obviously wrong
-speak clearly instead of blurbing out in chunks(hard to do with my oral conditions)
-control my temper
-nvr bet against lini, she's always right
-n giv lini ur hands instead of ur sleeve or she'll pull u from ur seat n make u fall.
conclusion? im not the perfect leader. no worry, working on it. n u guys may in the future hear my name mentioned as chief of duty dept.
88 n 73 to yall, over n out.
life continues
hmm.... so much have changed since my last login. perhaps life does continues...
ok, so mayb EVERYONE heard of my recent misfortune. seriously, how dya all know on tuesday?
its not tat i dont consider u all my friends(curse dumb chinese traditions), its juz tat this isnt something to celebrate(nor cry about) n i seriously dont wanna hate myself to know tat my shit ends up in other's place. translation? i dont want to have others affected bsc of my misfortune. tats juz me, nobody can change me. so next time process ur words before u shoot ur mouth off huiyi.
u guys really shouldnt have texted me...
im not gonna explain everything here(no offence lini). so lini, DO ask at Leadership Camp.
so everything's done. all there's left is to get over with this 49-days-of-of-vegetarian.
May my dad rest in peace, life's been tough for him...
ok, so mayb EVERYONE heard of my recent misfortune. seriously, how dya all know on tuesday?
its not tat i dont consider u all my friends(curse dumb chinese traditions), its juz tat this isnt something to celebrate(nor cry about) n i seriously dont wanna hate myself to know tat my shit ends up in other's place. translation? i dont want to have others affected bsc of my misfortune. tats juz me, nobody can change me. so next time process ur words before u shoot ur mouth off huiyi.
u guys really shouldnt have texted me...
im not gonna explain everything here(no offence lini). so lini, DO ask at Leadership Camp.
so everything's done. all there's left is to get over with this 49-days-of-of-vegetarian.
May my dad rest in peace, life's been tough for him...
exams
another year to screw up with exams... great. n if any1 of u wonders y am i blogging in this kinda time n not going to activities blah blah blah.... its as simple as I DONT GIV A F*** BOUT WAT WONG HONG KENG HAS TO SAY!
which directly translates as i wont go begging bout my co-curiculum marks when i get my certificate. to b precise, i dont want to b in local unversities bsc they suck so much tat its better off not going into unversities. tats malaysian education. n wong hk thinks he can threaten us with tat... screw him
y do we have to memmorise 50 bidalans juz to answer 12? its stupid. n bsc i cant go anywhere n the little green book is outta stock, i dont have anything to read. 'oh, y r u so stupid not to go download the book n read?' simple enough, my rig's toasted n this jalopy of a thing cant even open pdf file!
at least there's something to b joyous bout. i can FINALLY do inverses. special thanks to lini though i wasnt planning on having u tutoring me with the ppr. i juz happen to get extras. but still, thanks.
p.s.... im still screwed up on the find unknown with 'when x=1......' thing
thursday, house practise. forgot to bring tshirt n my IT teacher finally came. she came only once out of 4 times n each time we DIDNT even get a she's-not-here notice n we all end up waiting outside the lab. we didnt have our test. tats due next week. n does tat im-so-smart-n-u're-so-dumb teacher HAVE to tell me how close i am from being totalled by tat ball? i CAN see tat n i've already dodge it nicely by walking outta the way n still she have to gimme tat im-so-smart-n-u-owe-me-ur-life stare. ridiculous... some1 has ought to put some sense into these teachers
really stressed up now, n boy i hope it ends
now i know how it felt like to be inside a nuclear reactor...
which directly translates as i wont go begging bout my co-curiculum marks when i get my certificate. to b precise, i dont want to b in local unversities bsc they suck so much tat its better off not going into unversities. tats malaysian education. n wong hk thinks he can threaten us with tat... screw him
y do we have to memmorise 50 bidalans juz to answer 12? its stupid. n bsc i cant go anywhere n the little green book is outta stock, i dont have anything to read. 'oh, y r u so stupid not to go download the book n read?' simple enough, my rig's toasted n this jalopy of a thing cant even open pdf file!
at least there's something to b joyous bout. i can FINALLY do inverses. special thanks to lini though i wasnt planning on having u tutoring me with the ppr. i juz happen to get extras. but still, thanks.
p.s.... im still screwed up on the find unknown with 'when x=1......' thing
thursday, house practise. forgot to bring tshirt n my IT teacher finally came. she came only once out of 4 times n each time we DIDNT even get a she's-not-here notice n we all end up waiting outside the lab. we didnt have our test. tats due next week. n does tat im-so-smart-n-u're-so-dumb teacher HAVE to tell me how close i am from being totalled by tat ball? i CAN see tat n i've already dodge it nicely by walking outta the way n still she have to gimme tat im-so-smart-n-u-owe-me-ur-life stare. ridiculous... some1 has ought to put some sense into these teachers
really stressed up now, n boy i hope it ends
now i know how it felt like to be inside a nuclear reactor...
failed
tried to revive my PC this morning n it wont budge. perhaps i have to drink the 7Up revive before doin it, haha. it wont boot, n i think there's something wrong with the BIOS. dunno, this IS a ver, very, very old computer. dates back to 2004 i think. tats the date when i reset the BIOS. so, a change is unavoidable, salutes to my Pentium 4...
another thing i failed is to finish my homework. im leaving karangan for tmr, n chem also. am failing to do my add maths too. those chapter reviews r troublesome. n i still buzzing over inverse functions. not because im a total moron(ok, mayb i am), its juz tat i cant do anything without digging out the logic behind every steps. y do we do this? y do we have to substitute this into this? n tons n tons of question behind those. even though i understand the question, the thought of having to do a particular step doesnt cross my mind. actually, NOTHING cross my mind at the time, im juz practically blanked. all im saying is i DO understand the question, i DO know(sometimes) wats inverse function, but i DONT have the steps laid out in my mind like most of u do.
this is suddenly very funny to me....
ok, i caught my bro messing with the computer(mom's) today. n when he left, i checked the history which he's stupid enough to leave undeleted. n found this...
haha, its mayb pathetic to well, most of u but its fun. so, take it as a study break n go have fun...
outta here!
another thing i failed is to finish my homework. im leaving karangan for tmr, n chem also. am failing to do my add maths too. those chapter reviews r troublesome. n i still buzzing over inverse functions. not because im a total moron(ok, mayb i am), its juz tat i cant do anything without digging out the logic behind every steps. y do we do this? y do we have to substitute this into this? n tons n tons of question behind those. even though i understand the question, the thought of having to do a particular step doesnt cross my mind. actually, NOTHING cross my mind at the time, im juz practically blanked. all im saying is i DO understand the question, i DO know(sometimes) wats inverse function, but i DONT have the steps laid out in my mind like most of u do.
this is suddenly very funny to me....
ok, i caught my bro messing with the computer(mom's) today. n when he left, i checked the history which he's stupid enough to leave undeleted. n found this...
haha, its mayb pathetic to well, most of u but its fun. so, take it as a study break n go have fun...
outta here!
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